Wet Sheets & Punchlines

Its really draining to be so fucking bitter about shit that’s happened in my past. It isn’t anything I can fully avoid either, so the constant reminder of what I’ve lost is always there.

As a starting point I should assure you that I have an enormous amount of Pride. I would never change lives or personalities with anyone because I personally love who I am. I fight for what i want and I’ve worked blood sweat and tears for everything i own. Being self sufficient is the equivalent of being mature to me. Because of all of this ive built a very social personality. I can bullshit with the best of ‘em and make friends out of strangers daily. I’m genuinely interested in people and their back stories. Everyone is a walking talking breathing book to me and if i could i’d read them all.

Regardless the very abridged version of my story is my “girl who got away” was one of my best friends who secretly had feelings for me when i was with my Succubus-girlfriend in high school (lol). I always admired her but the lusty allure of my succubus girlfriend and the fact that she had a boyfriend kept things purely friend based. Anyways she didn’t tell me she had feelings for me until she had already broken up with her cheating boyfriend. Also by this time my bandmate who met her through me was already talking to her. So essentially i started this little love race thing real fucking late.

Yes i was going head to head with my bandmate whom ive known for years and to be honest if it were any other girl i’d have just let it go. Fact was this was my best chick friend, what better a match? I tell her i’ve always admired her and now we’ve got your classic love triangle going. The night after i tell her my feelings we make out and all was well with the world until she stops and says “I don’t feel anything”. She explains things would have been completely different if it weren’t for the fact that she had already developed feelings for my band mate. She sees the dead look in my face and starts crying at the way things turned out. She kisses me on the cheek and hugs me saying shes so sorry.

She tells me that i have to tell my bandmate and i do and he flips. We haven’t been close since. That of course sucks because we used to be drinking buddies and really good friends. But its my choice to really end our friendship. Its not right to be friends with someone who’s girlfriend you have feelings for. It’s deceptive.

Her and I make it a point to stay close though. It can be a real burden sometimes on us both but we don’t want to lose one another. I criticize my bandmate on his lack of having a job, car, license and getting money and rides from his parents to and from college to get around. To me thats not a real guy. Still she viciously defends him saying that i always make it seem like i have to make her choose between him and I. “If thats the case then I’m pretty sure you won’t win” she says. I hate being second to my complete opposite and i always am in this situation. At the same time he tells her that she shouldnt hangout with me but she defends our relationship against him too, which i do appreciate. Its a constant game of tug-o-war with her unfortunately in the middle.

Once again my bandmate met her through me. Thats the kicker. He’s my opposite too, that doesn’t help. He was the singer to my band, a small slender kid who had a voice like the guy from Coheed. He was always soft spoken where i was always the more charismatic public speaker. I felt like his body guard back in the day. He said he felt safer walking through willimantic or hartford or w/e when i was there with him even if the group was ridiculously large. I used to give him rides all over the place too and spot him for food or drinks often. Now adays he doesnt really talk to anybody but her; which i find unhealthy but it is what it is. In my head he was like a younger brother. That of course is what made this whole thing suck all the more. I lost a “younger sibling”, it hurts my pride to be second to my opposite, and now my relationship with my best chickfriend is like walking a tight rope without a safety net.

To get over all of this I guess you could say that new song “Can’t Stop Partying” by Weezer ft Lil Wayne sums up what i do. In my head its good to get out and meet new people and start new romances. And yes occasionally i meet some people who i genuinely adore but  sometimes their past come back to bite them and it ends. Regardless i enjoy the company of every person i meet. Admittingly my past does hit me alot in the middle of the night right before im about to sleep. It really sucks sometimes.

lol. i guess that wasnt super abridged >_<